Believe Them the First Time They Tell You

Mooch told me he had a problem with porn when we were in grad school. I thought, no way, I don't see any porn. He is just a great guy feeling a little guilty. 

Two-three years in our marriage he said it again. In fact, he told me he told the pastor who married us he had a problem and the pastor said pay attention to your wife, not Internet porn. Again, I thought wow he wants to be a great husband and is confessing looking at people having sex once in a while. 

Dumbass. That is what I call my 22 and 27 year old self. He was telling you he had issues. Maybe deep down he was hoping you would walk away. 

Age 32. Laptop will not work. I take it to my techy friend. Um, GIGs of porn on your machine. I asked Mooch. Oh, my brother used it when he was visiting the other week. That has to be it. 

32 year old self. Run. He is an ADDICT. He is not looking up stats online for the football game when he cannot sleep. And the no sex drive? It isn't the meds. It is the porn. You don't do it for him because the computer does. Get the hell out. 

But no. Two babies. Three dogs. A new house. Life will be ok. Just keep plugging. And never tell your friends your husband won't touch you. One day if he dies before you, maybe someone will love you the way you should be loved. Maybe. Or maybe this is as good as it gets. 

Friends, when they tell you the first time. Listen. To them. And especially to yourself. You are brilliant. And you will survive no matter what. Process and assess. This is YOUR life. 

-Stella